i think we’re doing this, we’re really doing this summer romance thing. i can’t promise you, or myself much more than that because of my ever changing life, mind, soul. you call me babe when its just us two, and you drunkenly spill your words, we have normal conversations and it feels good. it feels good to feel like you care. i’m gunna just do this, i’m going to fall headfirst into this. i don’t think many people are team you, in fact; i’m not sure how much i’m routing for that team. it’s such a hard team to put your all into. its been a roller coaster with you this past year, a great one nonetheless and things are just at a high point right now. is it bad that i’m waiting for the dip? some screw up, probably on my part. maybe it’ll stay nice, nice enough to enjoy the summer with each other. i’ll take the lazing around, and being with each other and inside jokes as long as i can.
i’d give anything for a lot of things right now. for my parents to be proud of me, for me to be proud of myself, to actually do something with my life, to actually be able to tell everyone i’m doing something with my life.
something so crazy happens to my body when i see you smile. something happens to my nerves, and my senses, and my skin, and my heart. but mostly my heart.
“did you have a good day?”
it was good seeing you, other than the odd text, or call, it was nice you know. especially because i’ve missed you, as crazy as it is because how close you are.
yet, i always feel a million miles away from you.
i can’t put it into details really because for me it’s still a state of shock, but i ended up getting separated at the bar with some friends and ended up getting into a bad situation that i’m thankful that i’m here and safe.
i bawled my eyes out on the phone to one of my sisters, who even thought it was 4 in the morning she helped me get my wits together enough to realize i couldn’t just roam the streets in my skirt and slutty top.
i ended up calling mike, who answered and i could barely get words out because i was such a crying mess. he calmed me down enough for me to tell him where i am and for him to tell me he was on his way.
incredibly thankful for him beyond words. i just cried hysterically in the front seat of his car. i wouldn’t let him touch me even to rub my back when i was curled up in a ball panicking.
“i’m glad you called”
i just can’t get that out of my head, i can’t get out the fact that he does care.
i wouldn’t tell him what happened because of how disgusted i am in it all, but he kind of figured it out. he called me today to make sure i was okay and to see if i needed anything.
it’s been two weeks and some days since new years, one and some days since my birthday, this was the first weekend i didn’t have someone beside me in bed and it felt weird to me. R was becoming a sure thing, go to bed with his arms wrapped around me, his heart beat in my ear it felt so nice. something about it was just so much better than anything.
and here i am, feeling scared, insecure, and probably over thinking because we haven’t talked in a few days, and i probably fucked it up, like i always do.
i’m scared and backing away and i feel like i’m losing interest and he is too and it’s so weird because i feel like i rushed into it just because i was so upset about the mike situation and i just need to take time to really get over everything and everyone and really just feel okay with being a little heart broken.
time is good you know? but feeling like i’m scared really isn’t. i just wish i had a manual to give people on my life.
it’s weird how we only met last week, we’ve talked every day, gotten to know each other so much more. he fascinates me, and he is wonderful, and there just aren’t enough words to describe him. he’s made me feel happier, giddier, and more infatuated the last week than anyone ever has.
that’s weird isn’t it?
yeah it probably is.
i’m just trying to process the fact that he is going to university for chemistry. he likes to party so he is okay with that, wich was always a struggle with mike. he loves being the big spoon, he’s super cute, he’s smart and we actually have conversations, not just stupid ones. he just seems to be really genuine, and real, and someone i could see myself getting to know.
i’m going to take things slow, do things right for the first time probably ever? and just see where things go.
we talk everyday, little comments here, conversation starters there. i’m not the one messaging him either, he does it, which is a nice change if anything. he actually tells me what he’s thinking, he’s not closed off and super reserved. if he thinks something i did was cute, if he thinks i’m adorable, if he really likes something he tells me. he doesn’t just wait for me to go crazy wondering.
he makes me laugh, at myself, at jokes, at everything. wich is a great thing because i’m craving laughter lately, and no one who i’ve been with can seem to actually try, or care.
